Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Just be.

Oh dear blog readers, it has been awhile.

If you've read my blog before, you know ~ I am one of the most honest people out there. I pride myself on giving the brutal truth at all times. So here it comes.

I've been in a hole for 6 months. And I've liked being there.

I think it's safe to say, I'm having (((((gasps for breath))))) a mid-life crisis. Or, is it a mom-life crisis? I'm not sure. Either way, I haven't felt very good in quite sometime. You know, upstairs in the brain part? Also that thing in my chest? In my heart?

I mean for 6 months I've all but avoided human contact as much as I could. It was like if I talked to my mom on the phone, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to fake it well enough and she'd ask "the dreaded question." Same goes for my best friend. Even my husband.

"Dear GOD please do not let anyone ask THE QUESTION."

You know the one.

"What's wrong?"

Because here's the thing. I don't know. I just know......

I ain't right.

So dear readers, why am I crying on your shoulders about my problems right now? I'm not.

I swear.

Here's the thing. Almost 10 years ago I became a mother. To a beautiful "typically developing" boy. Then a few years later I became a mom to a beautiful "not so typically developing" boy.

and *I* ceased to exist.

And I KNOW I am not the only one.

Here's the thing about us autism mamas. We will never
give up the fight.

But it's very dangerously easy to get consumed by the fight.

= uh oh.

So now here I am, Luke is 6 and about to start first grade. His communication and social skills have EXPLODED over the last year. He's doing amazingly well. He's almost there. And even though I know in my heart that he got there due largely in part to the work we've put in, ok -- I'll say it -- the work I've put in, I can't help but ask......."now what do I do?"

Well. I think you're supposed to take a minute and............ breathe.

And once you take that time to breathe.........you might find yourself looking ((((gasp)))) in the mirror. And sometimes we like what we see, and sometimes we don't.

But either way, it's the best we've got, right?

My point in all of this is, as the parent of a special needs child, it's sooooooooooooooooooo easy, so tempting to dive right in. Not just feet first. Full body. And for awhile, you aren't going to come up for air.

= uh oh.

Because after all, if you don't do EVERYTHING you can at EVERY single moment of EVERY single day, then you're a bad parent, right????????


Remember, your children are learning EVERYTHING from you. Including how to parent themselves someday. So teach them to breathe. Teach them to look in the mirror and like what they see. Teach them to stop and smell the flowers. Teach them to be.

And if any of you out there are in a hole.......... get out of it. It's summer. There are lots of flowers out there waiting to be smelled.

"Slow down, calm down, don't worry, don't hurry, trust the process." - Alexandra Stoddard


Eileen said...

Would you be interested in testimonies of how God healed autism? If so...email me @cecil51@comcast.net

Eileen said...

Praying for a miracle for Luke...

Ladyornot.com said...

Parents so often forget that our job isn't only to raise our children, but to raise them to leave us. Everyday from birth we are teaching them how to be strong adults. It is amazing that you are there for him in such a great way but don't forget to be you and make time for you.
I am glad to read that you are getting there. Go out with friends once a week. Have date night. :)
ps. Katie told me to check you out. Love you blog.

Karla said...

Hi, I'm Karla. Melissa at Another Lunch suggested that I check out your blog.

I have a son (7) with Asperger's. I often feel like I'm so immersed in dealing with his issues and worrying about his future that I'm kind of buried under all of it. And I feel so ALONE. I don't have anyone to talk to that understands.

I've enjoyed reading your posts and look forward to more in the future.


April said...

WELCOME Karla! You are NOT ALONE. Lemme tell ya, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!! Really -- BREATHE. Just....BREATHE!!!!!

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